Some days, I just feel like this.
 |
Replace the chips with pie and corn dogs, beer with water, and remote with a MacBook Pro,
and you've got it about right. |
Now mind you, it's been a while--probably with good reason. This is the first Saturday in forever that I didn't have enough to do to warrant a crazed, hurried day spent dashing about like a decapitated chicken. I did not clean much, I did no laundry, and I didn't have to make a grocery run.
However, I
have taken the last three days off from exercise. I
have eaten somewhere between 4 and 6 corn dogs** and 1/4 of a pie. Also, I have been excavating said pie from its plate--or cake pan*, I suppose--with a spoon, like the uncivilized college student I am.
 |
That is not my hand holding the spoon: it is a friend's hand.
However, notice that the section of missing pie under the hand is
significantly smaller than the gap on my side of the pie. |
That is last night's picture. As of now I have eaten approximately two-thirds of a poorly set-up, gooey rendition of Momofuku's Crack Pie.*** The worst part of it is that only a small, exercise-driven part of my brain objects this fact. All the rest brain is lazing about, contentedly swollen with cheap sausage, corn bread, and
pie.
Analyzing the pie post-baking, I can think of 3 reasons the pie did not set up properly.
A) It was baked in a 9" cake pan*, whereas the recipe calls for a pie tin. As it should. Stupid WalMart.
B) It was not baked long enough, a fact that could not be avoided due to being baked in the wrong container. Ahem.
C) I did not do a good enough job separating egg white from egg yolk, and it messed up the filling's consistency.
Regardless, it's a freakishly delicious pie, all butter and cream and sugar and GOODNESS I HAVE EATEN SO MANY CALORIES TODAY.
But they were tasty, tasty calories. :'(
This justification tactic was not required until very recently when I noticed that I was spooning myself pie in a ridiculously style-free outfit while watching a video about scarf-wearing.+ Maybe if I felt less ridiculous, I would be more forgiving. I don't usually mind being fashionably inept. But the gap between creator and watchee has rarely been as wide as it has been tonight.
Is sad.
However, I think I have a self-issuable intervention. Tomorrow morning I will rise with the dawn, go to the local exercise center, and do cardio and lift weights until those long-since digested calories are forgotten in a wave of sweat and misery. No, wait: not forgotten.
Merited.
But then again, I might just sleep in and do the whole thing all over again.
*WALMART. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN TO SELL THINGS I NEED FOR MY BAKINGS.^ LIKE DECENT PASTRY BLENDERS.^^
ALSO.
NO PIE PLATES? SERIOUSLY? ^^^
FOR THE LOVE OF MUSHROOMS.^^^^
^I used to sort of like WalMart. It had all the things I needed to make food--even all the nice little need-to-bake tool bits that other places don't always carry.
The local WalMart has taken that liking and smashed it into tiny, keening, bloody bits that ooze resentment and pure fury.
^^This was actually my first run-in with this Wal-Mart. A pastry blender is a very useful tool when mixing flour, sugar, salt, baking soda/powder or any combination thereof with butter. When implemented correctly, the end result is a light, fluffy, evenly buttered mixture that easily adheres together
because of the butter--though a little water (in pie dough) or half and half (scones) helps too. However, not all pastry blenders are created equal.
THIS THIS.
DOES NOT
EQUAL
I wanted the one on the right. Did WalMart have one?
OF COURSE NOT.
^^^This is a wrong I only realized after some post-occurrence mulling`. I mean, seriously! No pie plates! Not even the chintzy little glass 8" plates. NO PIE PLATES. AAAAAAAAAAAGH.
`Right now.
^^^^The entire point of this footnote was to explain the cake pan bit. The incompetent WalMart had no pie plates: but it did have two 9" cake pans on sale for $.50 each. Good deal, right?`
`This fact was enough to soothe my wrath over the pie plate thing until now. Fifty-cent cake pans are a big deal.
**I honestly can't remember if it was 4 or six corn dogs today alone. I've been eating them two at a time, but two(?) of the microwave trip(s) are phased together in my head.
***
http://momofukufor2.com/2010/02/momofuku-milk-bar-crack-pie-recipe
I cannot slice my pie, and I have to eat it with a spoon. I do get the basic idea of what this lady's talking about. I also hear the gods of healthy eating sobbing with helpless terror.
+
http://www.youtube.com/watch?src_vid=bKu5UL8DYmg&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_224494&v=5LYAEz777AU
Great, informative video, right? I didn't feel quite so ridiculous until I was watching its sister video.^ And.^^
^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_709694&src_vid=5LYAEz777AU&v=ssJdyck8rlY
WHY OF COURSE, MISS I-FELL-OUT-OF-THE-PRETTY-TREE-AND-HIT-EVERY-LEAF-ON-THE-WAY, I WILL LOOK AS FABULOUS AS YOU IN A SCARF. ALSO, I CAN IN FACT AFFORD A LOUIS VUITTON SCARF.
^^"*hee hee! I wear this sometimes walking around the city!"
The more I watch this chick, the more I resent her careless flamboyancy.
"Silk will do."
That is making the vast assumption that silk is both affordable and
available.
"I got these on sale for $35, I think, or something, but they fit really,
really well. Can I get another?"
Honey. Sale, as in the great deal kind you're currently thinking, is under the $10 mark. $35 is a pricy
original charge.
